How to do it wrong.

To everyone I've ever flaked on, this is an apology.

To those I still owe pencil sketches of vintage cars from the Hot Rod Power Tour three and four years ago, God is my witness, I'll get to it eventually.

To Dave Grooman and the rest of MATA Community Media, I'm sorry about dropping off the face of the earth in the middle of editing that Navy banquet footage in January.

To Rob Danielson and the 460 Post-Production Sound Class, I'm really kind of out of money for school right now. I'll try again in the fall.

To Mom and Dad; the list is too long to either remember or write down.

To the guys who almost hired me as a Toyota salesman before I cracked like an egg at the end of the interview; I'm frankly amazed I kept a straight face that long.

To all the women I've annoyed by being stubbornly oblivious to rejection, and we're talking a list of at least a dozen or more over the course of the last 14 years or so, I wish I had more of a sensible administrative grasp on the leash of infatuation, and I am making progress. I'd mention you all by name but at least a couple of you are on Facebook and that would be awkward and crass.

To M.K. and A.L., more or less the two excpetions to that list; either one of you could've had my virtue but the stakes were just too high--I was saving myself for marriage at the time.

To Amway; go to hell.

To Tim Oleston; you have been and continue to be my long-standingest Dude of Brotherhood and Enterprise, and I have let most of the opportunities you've lent me go stale on the table. Don't give up on me yet.

To Robyn Cherry and the rest of the 88.9 FM Radio Milwaukee crew; it's been a month since you offered me a diamond chance to prove myself...I'll see you Friday with the work I've promised.

To Ed Thompson; I'm sorry, man, I gave it my all. Jim Doyle hasn't screwed things up as badly as I'd expected, but he's still a smarmy cocksucker. A man of the people is permanently obsolete in politics.

To Bryan Quinn; I really can't blame you for cutting off contact with me. $60 bottle of Scotch notwithstanding, the childish jealousy I displayed towards your happiness in love is a black mark on my conscience. I do not like to lose friends.

To Jan Nelson; you can also go to hell. I can't believe I got into college theatre to meet girls. That never, ever, ever bore fruit. Say Hi to the Amway people for me.

To Chris Foran of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel and M. Spencer Teilmann of The Synthesis; your generosity should've launched a superstar of journalism, if only I had the gut, or the drive.

To Rob Yeo and the UW/M Film Department; your continued patience is appreciated.

To The New York State Thruway E-Z Pass System; your continued patience is appreciated.

To Brad Liechtenstein; there's nothing like studying under the Real Deal to learn what an intractable piker and complete unprofessional I am. I am playing tiddlywinks at life, and the idea that I may one day rise to a serious challenge strangely fills me with fear and laughter. Thanks for getting me in to a lavish spread at Wingspread, though. That was awesome.

To the city of San Bruno, California; That I would've stayed in your pleasant climate if only I'd had the wherewithal to land a steady job.

To Pete Fraser; I am not sure if life is going to stop feeling like an elaborate joke and as such question my ability to pursue any sort of legitimate career, academic or otherwise. I do sometimes wonder how seriously you need to take it to live the way you do.

To God; You know, Man, I'm still your Dude, and I appreciate all You've done and all, but not a lot is making sense anymore. I had a weird weekend, highly emotional, really in touch with all the mistakes I've made in my life and took a bit of comfort from You in how meaningless they all really are. But they are the reality of my here and now. To live is to be flawed, and I don't think I'm fooling anybody anymore. And I ask myself, do I still believe? I mean, yes, I'm obviously going to have to look the part in order to to stand in line for any sort of inheritance, but I'm just going to say it. God is silly. Most of the things people do or say in association with God are silly, or boring, or actually evil.

Even this isn't necessarily a disqualifier since I myself am silly and we were supposedly made in His image. But I do not at all dig the mindless zombies of the central flock. I can't stand ignorant busybodies. I can't stand weak-willed morons with no sense of self-purpose. I can't stand the thought of only experiencing 0.0000003% of what this world and this life have to offer because of a rigid social filter or heavy-handed conscience. I came into that mindset, and am perhaps now coming out of it, and look at who I am.

I barely finish anything. I have no idea how to talk to women. Sex is merely a theoretical construct, alternately ridiculous and frightening. A close friend claims it's just a waste of time filled with unpleasant smells and textures but then again, he's been to the Fountain, and what's more, he may be turning into Howard Hughes. Love is something else entirely. Sex is not love. Love is love, and sex is sex. I think Andy Warhol said that, and he's usually right. I don't know jack about either one, so I'll have to take his word for it.

To Andy Warhol; if I ever let -you- down, there truly is no hope.